I Spy Foreigners

cameronDavid Cameron probably doesn’t even realise how ridiculous he looks discussing independence with every world leader he can while still frantically trying to avoid debating it with the one that really matters.  I speculated last week on who they’d wheel out next, but I must admit I was a bit surprised that it’d be the Chinese leader’s turn to say that he’d like to see a united United Kingdom under no pressure from his host and giving no thoughts at all to the possibility of things like maybe supplying steel for the new HS2 rail service.

Of course a lot might’ve got lost in translation and what he really said was, “Why don’t you send the tanks in?  That’s what we’d do.”  I’m just surprised that there wasn’t a threat to repatriate the pandas and buy all their Scotch whisky from England in the event of a Yes as well.  What a pity DC didn’t ask him for his opinions on Argentina’s claims to the Falkland Islands.  That would’ve made for fascinating TV.  Or maybe that was the ideal time to take him to task for his country’s treatment of Tibet?  After all, look at all that lovely influence we’ve got on the world stage.

Talk about tanks reminds me of one of my all-time heroes:

tankman

I wish I had half that guy’s guts.  What a pity he’s a “furriner” though eh?  Aye it’s that time again with the No side making a big thing about how they don’t want friends or family members becoming alien beings after independence.  Vote No Borders were at it although expertly taken apart by Wings as usual.  We even had one of them on here on the comments on the last post, the guy finally resorting to the “some of me best friends…” feeble line of defence.

Maybe they’re all worried that their loved ones will develop pot bellies or slitty eyes, to use the Duke of Edinburgh’s charming turns of phrase.  Certainly when they come out with crap like that it’s not so much an open goal for the Yes side as a wide gaping chasm of an empty net that even an England striker would be hard pushed to miss.

As for me, well I wake up beside a foreigner every morning.  Well, at least I did until she disappeared on a 10-day Baltic cruise with her foreign mother and 2 of her mother’s foreign friends, all of whom were welcome guests over Christmas here at Cybernat Towers.  Maybe I need a wee trip to a BT correction camp or something.

Being left to fend for myself is a bit of a nightmare.  Two days into her absence and I’ve broken the microwave already.  Great – need to shell out cash on a replacement and hope she won’t notice.  It’ll make for an interesting conversation on her return:

“This microwave’s really clean.”

“Well I wanted to make myself useful and give it a special polish while you were away, oh love of my life.”

“How come it’s a different brand?”

This leaves me a broken tin opener away from a full-blown crisis where I’ll be reduced to foraging in the back garden.  And it looks like I’ve broken the auto-replenishing soap dispenser in the bathroom as well.  Ever seen these things?  The soap runs out, you leave it alone and next time you go in there it’s full up again.  Must work by magic.

And on the subject of magic, we were honoured with a visit from no less a deity than John Major, the man who once made thousands of jobs disappear practically overnight.  He says we’re having the referendum in the year of the 700th anniversary of Bannockburn to exploit anti-Englishness.  He’s a bit of a tool though.  As they say, a picture paints a thousand words…

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A Cybernat

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10 Responses to I Spy Foreigners

  1. Davy says:

    Choices, choices, choices, to shag Edwina or loose thousands their jobs.

    and,

    Sorry lads the job centre is down the road. Now where is my voucher for Specsavers.

    PS. Sorry Dave but this is a fact your bog roll will run out, keep your new better-together booklet handy.

  2. Helena Brown says:

    Oh dear, a new microwave, but at least you have been using it to break it. You could have been running up the national debt on takeaways. Wee tip on the self loading soap, you will probably find there is the bottle under the sink you use to fill it. We woman know a thing or two, though mine is the keeper of the loo rolls, used to be above the Freezer and they were way above my head. I did ask them when they were building my kitchen if they could make it Helena sized. They told me that nobody else could use it then, I said I am the only one WHO does use it. Still too high for me, ah well.
    What a choice, the delightful John Major, the man whose description of elderly women cycling to church and drinking warm beer, must have been thinking of Edwina at the time.
    Now we have the equally lovely Stanley Baxter, all of 88 saying we should stay in the UK so he won’t be a furriner having lived in London for more than half his life a mere 55 years. Notice anything, okay for every other tom dick or stanley to remark on Scottish Independence, but not Sean Connery or Alan Cummings.
    By the way hate the arithmetic to post.

    • Davy says:

      So its Stanley Baxter now, the next thing you know they will be resurrecting the dead to get their worthless comments.

      • admin says:

        I thought he WAS deid TBH. Maybe I was thinking of Harry Lauder though. Obama, Clinton, the Pope, the Chinese leader, Stanley Baxter… where do they go from here?

        Dave

    • admin says:

      Well I was half-expecting some praise for managing to find the kitchen without the use of a satnav. Should’ve mentioned that I’m running out of clean plates as well. :( My pal said to get a dishwasher. I’ve got one, but like I said, she’s away on a Baltic cruise with her mum so how does that help me?

      Sorry about the arithmetic thingie but it’s a necessity to ward off automated spam bots that won’t be programmed to get past it. It keeps west of Scotland Labour members off the site as well. ;)

      Dave

      • Nigel says:

        Wouldnt be surprised if some massive thieving -sorry, asset stripping, is being engineered by London at the moment. Im thinking of the billions in whisky presently in bonded warehouses throughout the land.

        Would be extremely simple if these warehouses are clandestinely being stripped of their contents and sent to some safe haven south of the border right now………………..

        Well, it would give these pesky jocks a bit less bargaining power when push comes to shove after September, eh, what?

        • admin says:

          The sad thing is they wouldn’t need to be furtive about it as many of our own would be willing helpers.

          Dave

          • Davy says:

            Well they can asset-strip their trident sub’s anytime they want.

            But the real time to watch out for that will be the 19th Sep onwards.

        • Helena Brown says:

          Actually Nigel, there will be a run on the whisky on the 19th, it will be either the biggest celebration on earth or the biggest wake ever, but lots and lots of whisky will be needed.

      • Helena Brown says:

        Well I know the problems you men have with kitchen appliances. Mine needs instructions in how to put most of them off. I got a new trick, I have a buzzer on the drier which I can put off, trouble is there is no indication when it is or not. Now the other week I must have put it on again. I have tinnitus which means some sounds I cannot hear. Well HE was hearing this, the dug was hearing this. He had to go round looking for it. I think I have put it off again, fingers crossed. We also have a nagging microwave, funny though I am always the nearest to put that off.
        The Baltic Cruise is great did it in 2012. The one I would repeat, just not in P&O.
        Okay about the arithmetic, I am rotten at it, but it is getting better with time.

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