So are we independent yet? I woke up this morning thinking we must be after hearing how none other than Norman Tebbit had stuck his oar into the debate. Let’s face it, the way the Yes vote has gone up after interventions from previous Tories – David Cameron, George Osborne, Gordon Brown – you’d think an utterance from the dark one himself would propel us into the stratosphere. Some nonsense about how Britain might have lost the war had Scotland and England not been united apparently. Nothing about how 20% of the participants in the Battle of Britain came from outwith these shores though or any mention of the contributions from our allies across the Atlantic and in the southern hemisphere. Just as well they were all ruled from Westminster eh? Else we might’ve been right up the creek without a paddle.
It wasn’t a good week at all for the “we cannaes”. No doubt they were hoping that the launch of their new grass roots website Vote No Borders would take off on the back of a massive media-driven publicity campaign. Instead it looks like it’s going to die a death like so many others before it. (Whatever happened to Tory Hoose anyway?) All the comments have been wiped already, both pro-Yes and, er… extremely pro-Yes. There were some really good suggestions for their T-shirt designs as well although this one would probably have won:
Given that we all exist on a diet of deep-fried Mars bars and waddle around in size XXXXL gear they could probably have got away with putting the paper’s full page 3 editorial on there too. I’d settle for this bit though:
“History is as nothing to the lives of the children being born now, this morning, in the cities, towns and villages of this country. On their behalf, we assert a claim to a better, more decent, more just future in which a country’s governments will be ruled always by the decisions of its citizens.”
Anyway, I for one can’t wait to hear the new pro-UK song the VNB band Flowers of Union are composing. At least in the same way that I enjoy the sound of two alley cats being stapled together or how I’m eagerly anticipating my forthcoming root canal surgery. Here’s a wee suggestion for them: instead of going for something complicated like that where you have to try and rhyme words like Jerusalem, why not just rework the old Eurodance number No Limit by 2 Unlimited? They could’ve called themselves 2 Incapable as well instead of the naff name they’ve ended up going for.
You can just hear it…
No no, no no no no, no no no no
No no – NO WE CANNAE! Defno, defno, defno, defno…
I suppose we should be grateful that they’re not doing what we might’ve expected from Better Togetout and bringing out an updated version of Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer…
“Now there’s no more work for the Jocks…”
One person who probably wishes they had gone down this route is Scottish historian (and I use one of these epithets extremely loosely) Allan Massie going by the complete and utter drivel he penned for today’s Heil. ”A brilliant imagining of life after the Union” they called it which should give you a rough idea of the treats therein. No point going through it line by line – I’d be here all night , but here’s a few selected lowlights…
If only he hadn’t allowed himself to be persuaded by Michael Gove who, as a Scot himself, assured him that tackling Salmond head-on would play well north of Hadrian’s Wall.
Massie was clearly off the day his school covered geography.
An aide interrupts with news that rioting has broken out in Belfast – the Republicans wanting a united Ireland.
Well I suppose Ireland going up in flames isn’t too bad. It was the whole western world a week or so ago.
In George Square, a drunk man argues that if England hadn’t won the World Cup in Brazil, Scotland would have voted to stay in the Union. ‘It’ll be 1966 and all that all over again,’ he says. ‘I was a Unionist myself, but I couldna stand the thought o’ that, and voted yes. Whit’s mair, the winning goal was offside.’
England winning the World Cup? Move over, JK Rowling.
Faced with the prospect of losing Shetland – and the substantial oil revenues from its territorial waters – Scottish Finance Minister, John Swinney, is compelled to bring in an emergency budget, imposing prescription charges, student fees and welfare cuts.
Obviously never heard of the Continental Shelf international treaties either.
As Scotland’s economy withers, England booms. Salmond is forced to accept that Trident submarines will continue to be based in the Clyde in exchange for an annual rent from London.
Okay, enough. I’d lost the will to live by that point. No doubt it was being lapped up by Feeling Rejected of Tunbridge Wells though. Let’s put it this way: it’s maybe just as well that Mystic Massie earns his living from analysing events of the past. He clearly is to prophecy what Vote No Borders is to troop-rallying.