A Cybernat Writes

You can always rely on good old George Galloway to provide some entertainment.  His latest column in the Rectum was a scream.  It puzzles me why he writes for that “newspaper” which only a few years ago described him as “one Labour MP they’d happily see kicked out at the next election”, but I suppose he’s pitifully grateful that anyone will let him spout his bilge.  Anyway, this offering was all about the bigots of the Brigadoon brigade.  If nothing else the girnings from gaudy George’s gums demonstrate a reasonable talent for alliteration.

He was moaning about some online posters questioning why he should have any say in the forthcoming referendum campaign given that he now represents an English constituency.  Make sure you get the Irish sectarian card in there as well now, George – there we go, right on cue.  This is clear evidence on planet George of an organised campaign of tartan-clad, English-hating loonies setting out to shout down anyone that doesn’t agree with them, obviously organised by Alex Salmond.  Then again maybe some folk think he should butt out since he got his well and truly kicked when he stood for election to the Scottish Parliament last year.  Aye, this is someone we want to see representing our interests:

Keeping with the butt theme, what’s the only thing worse than making an arse of yourself? Someone else doing it for you:

George, we salute your indeffe… your inefag… your intefa… aye, whatever – just pay the man his money.  (Thanks to my good pal Rico for the clip.)

So what else has been happening?  Let’s do another quiz-type question: what do the MSM up here do when they run out of scare stories?  Why, they just regurgitate some of the old ones.  And so we had the tales of our shipyards becoming decaying, rusting monuments to our folly in wanting to break away from the greatest partnership there’s ever been, one in which we’re stronger together and weaker apart, etc.  Again.  I think it was 16,000 jobs this time.

I’m not worried.  The two BAE Systems shipyards in Scotland will survive despite fears over independence.  Defence giants BAE have called in consultants to look at the future of the Govan and Scotstoun yards, as well as a third yard at Portsmouth.  If BAE decide to close a shipyard because of uncertainty about future work levels, it’ll likely be Portsmouth as it’s smaller than the Clydeside operations.  All the yards would then be in Scotland but that’s not BAE’s problem.

Not my words but those of  defence analyst Howard Wheeldon, a senior strategist with City firm BGC Partners, printed in the Daily Record on February 13th 2012.

It’s been comprehensively covered elsewhere about a half-billion pound contract going to South Korea instead of staying back here but it can never be mentioned often enough to outline the sheer rank hypocrisy of the unionist viewpoint.  No lectures from Labour either please after their awarding of a contract to build two offshore patrol vessels to Poland when they were in power in Holyrood.  The whole inference that the yards would automatically close is in fact deeply insulting to the workforce as it basically says that they don’t have the skills to compete on the open market.  Talk about doing your own people down!  “Clyde-built” means quality.  It always has and it always will.

Paspports for cross-border trips
And no longer building our ships
Without the hand-outs we give
You Jocks will just live
On deeply fried Mars bars and chips.

A Cybernat

Well the big story just wouldn’t let up over the last week.  Alex Salmond’s links to Rupert Murdoch and his desperate attempts to lobby for his rich friend in return for the support of his newspaper continued to haunt the First Minister’s every waking moment.  What’s that?  You didn’t read any more about it after the council elections?  How could that be the case?  After all, NASA discovering a 10-mile wide comet hell-bent on a collision course with planet Earth and sending us the way of the dinosaurs could scarcely have commanded more column inches over the last couple of weeks.  Funny how it all just switched off eh?

Don’t you just have the greatest respect and admiration for the free-thinking individuals employed in the Scottish press?  I suppose I should concede that, unlike your humble scribe, they’ve been deemed good enough to earn a living from their keyboards whereas my rantings are confined to my own wee corner of cyberspace, but I can’t bring myself to hold them in anything other than the utmost contempt.  It’s the continual sly wee digs that get to me, e.g take the Northbriton.  Pretty much any day would do but Wednesday was a classic example:

Scottish independence: Four out of 10 North Sea oil firms ‘concerned’.  Why worry about the other 6 who obviously don’t give a rat’s arse?  The author is quite clearly a glass 40% full sort of a chap.  Not for him the more valid alternative: Scottish independence: Majority of North Sea oil firms ‘unconcerned’.

Or our friends over at the Rectum: Embarrassment for Alex Salmond as SNP are kept out of power by ConDem coalition in his local council.    It was indeed a “bitter blow” given that the SNP had more councillors than the ConDems put together, but maybe they have a different definition of bitter.  I’d certainly be quite bitter if I’d voted for the largest party and seen an unholy alliance keep them out of power.  You’ve got to hand it to the Rectum though – managing to make a travesty of democracy appear like a mortal wound to Alex Salmond’s credibility showed an impressive reinterpretation of reality.  I have to say I particularly liked the way the author of this trash just happily glossed over the bits about Labour being in alliance with the Tories – move along, nothing to see…  To be fair they’ve probably got all their best journos on the Rangers story.  After all, that’s how they were able to warn all the Ibrox club’s fans of the impending disaster 18 months ago rather than writing sycophantic articles about Craig Whyte wasn’t it?

Can you even begin to imagine the outcry in the press had the SNP gone into coalition with the Tories anywhere?  However, it’s apparently acceptable to give the party that’s despised up here influence way beyond their proportional share of the vote as long as it keeps thae essennpee bastirts oot.  Congratulations to all the Labour activists who pounded the streets – you must be really proud.  It astonishes me that the likes of the Rectum, who profess to hate Cameron so much and in fact have such an obsession with him that his name appears in their tag cloud in what appears to be size 100 pt Times New Roman font, would prefer Scotland to be ruled by him and his shower of chancers than be responsible for our own affairs.  I just can’t get my head round that one.

As for the Orange Order story, well again you can imagine the headlines were the boot on the other foot: So Much For Salmond’s Anti-Sectarian Legislation or SNP Accused of Pandering to Bigots would be my guess.  I find it hard to believe that this story wasn’t known about before the election.  Any decent investigative journalist should’ve been all over that like a rash.  Pity such creatures died out probably around the same time as the wolf though.  But is it true that the Order would be able to deliver all these extra votes to Labour anyway?  I mean look at some of the hangers-on that attach themselves to these Orange parades.  Considering the ballot papers involved something a bit more complex than putting an X in, it does make you wonder.  Still, it’s put me in the mood for a wee song so join me in an old Weegie music hall favourite:

We must hang on to Glasgow
Dear old Glasgow town
Sell your own soul, put your gran on the game
It’s the jewel in our crown.
The Orange Order have said they’ll help
If more marches there shall be.
You can rely on the papers to keep it hush-hush with our pals at the BBC.

We’re still ruling Glasgow
Dear old Glasgow town
There’s something gone wrong with Keir Hardie
For he’s birlin round and round.
Along with our principles we’ve sold out
The red flag we adore
For now it’s a fact that we all must defer to the sash my father wore.

A Cybernat

It hardly needs repeating what an utter disgrace the papers were this week.  Especially the Daily Mail.  There it was in a prominent position on their website – “I’ve bedded 500 women,” says Tony Blackburn.  Can you believe that smarmy git’s leading me by 2?  Me neither.  Oh, and the carefully orchestrated attack on Alex Salmond was pretty shocking too.  What most puzzled me was the revelation about Joke McConnell’s phone having been hacked, him having known about it for months and yet the story only coming to light when the anti-Salmond braying was at its loudest.  How thick do they think people are?  The clear intention was of course to do maximum damage to the SNP’s prospects in the council elections.  Well that really worked didn’t it?

It’s been pointed out on several other blogs that the Labour Broadcasting Corporation have been using false figures in a desperate attempt to show their favourites in a better light.  Coupled with the carefully-positioned Labour celebratory pictures it really rips ma knittin that I’m expected to pay for this garbage.  Still, let’s have a look at a well-known mathematical model that never lies – the Scotch pie chart:

I’d say that’s a pretty appetising SNP chunk right there. 

I have to confesss to initially being a wee bit despondent at the results as I was genuinely expecting a repeat of last May’s sweep-all-before-us routine.  Now I know why Old Firm fans go running bleating to the fitba phone-ins when some other team dares to take 3 points off their heroes.  However, now the dust has settled this was obviously an outstanding performance on Thursday considering council elections are traditionally used to give the party in Government a good kicking.  For their vote share and number of councillors to actually increase is almost unprecedented and you’d expect that fact to get due prominence in the media.  At least you would if you lived anywhere other than Scotland.

It was also a nice wake up call as well to those among us who thought that Labour up here were in their death throes.  We should never underestimate a wounded animal, especially one that controls the press.  If you think last week was bad then just wait until the run-up to the big one.  The MSM haven’t even got started on the secret arms caches that’ll no doubt be found all round the country.

I have to say that Glasgow was a puzzler though.  Labour and their allies in the press would have done anything to hold onto the city and it’s really strange that there were no polls (at least any that were published) in the run-up to the election before a somewhat surprising result was announced.  This set of circumstances has of course occurred before.  Glenrothes bye-election anyone?  There’s talk of 25% of the total votes being postal votes.  Strange.  Call it sour grapes if you like but I don’t trust the “keep voting until you get it right brigade”.  I met too many nutters amongst their number when I was a shop steward many moons ago.  I well remember one of them happily tearing up a “No to strike action” ballot paper that had arrived by post right in front of my shocked face: “We’ll just ignore that one!”

The same guy said that if anyone asked to opt out of the political levy then “I give them a half-hour lecture on why they shouldn’t.”  He wasn’t too impressed with my response: “I give them a form…”  Another one came in raging mad one day after losing a council bye-election to a Tory the night before.  Apparently the SNP candidate hadn’t stood aside for him and that had split the anti-Tory vote!  He looked totally bemused when I asked him why he hadn’t stepped aside himself.  I’ll certainly never forget one thing he staunchly declared to me: “The SNP couldnae run Scotland!”  Right ye are.

What I don’t care for is some of the comments I’ve seen on other sites like “hell mend Glasgow” and “serves them right if they vote for more poverty”, etc.  All that does is have folk dig their heels in and make them harder to convert.  They have the democratic right to vote for whatever candidate they want (even if it’s the wrong one!).  I’d really like to see what the SNP’s super-duper software predicted for these elections though and how closely it matched what we saw in each area, considering how accurate it was in May 2011.

As far as postal voting goes I’m firmly of the opinion that this should only be allowed in exceptional cases, i.e. working away from home or housebound.  Sorry, but if my 83-year-old mother can walk a mile to cast her vote as she did on Thursday then most other folk can struggle along too.  The system is just made to be abused and under no circumstances should it have any place while we attempt to right a 300-year-old wrong in 2014.  I don’t want to start off the campaign knowing that we’re already trying to play catch-up.

Still, it would be churlish not to leave the last word to the Blessed First-Minister-in-waiting Johann after her resounding triumph:

“Whit a beemur fir Salmon that wis.  Only managed tae increase his vote share an get mair cooncillors.  That’ll show him.  Couldnae get Glesca though… Oh the Royal Mail vans are deepest red… er, ahem…  Still, looks like am no flittin efter aw.  A bad result on the nicht an ah would’ve had tae move tae Jeppardy cos Ed telt me that’s where ma job wid be.”

A Cybernat

It’s all getting just a wee bit boring now.  I hoped the online Sunday Andrex competitors would’ve had something a wee bit more interesting than yet another yawn fest over Rupertgate.  Labour are now demanding enquiries and want to see details of all the correspondence, meetings, etc. between the Scottish Government and Murdoch’s organisationszzzz…  You know the sort of stuff they want - it’s the same as they themselves happily and willingly published on their own dealings when asked.

Naturally the BBC joined in with a prominent link under their main news items, no doubt hoping that folk would just see the headline and absorb it without reading further.  I think we’re already at that stage but with readers thinking “Hell’s bells no’ again” rather than pledging to turn up in their droves to place their votes for the people’s party.

It’s not often I’m thankful for a look at the Northbriton but at least they did try and vary the relentless negativity a bit by also imaginatively coming up with a story about how Scotland being independent would put everyone on the island at an increased risk of terrorist attacks.  The headline certainly sounds a bit worrying but then the first thing you read is that the story was written by a Liebour MSP which means that objectivity wasn’t really the foremost intention.

According to Graeme Pearson (nope never heard of him either): “My policing experience taught me the lesson that too often the prevention of terrorist outrages and subsequent investigations fail not because the intelligence and evidence wasn’t available, but because agencies, departments or divisions had failed – often due to the competition that exists between agencies – to share their knowledge effectively.”

Well that’s reassuring.  And there was me thinking that the whole point of the story was to scare us off voting for independence to prevent the very things from happening that are seemingly already happening now.

On and on it drones, speculating as to what level of intelligence the UK would make available to an independent Scotland.  My guess would be the same amount that we’ve contributed to all these years but then I was forgetting that in the event of tearing ourselves away in a messy divorce we’d leave with all of the debts and none of the assets.  Nor would we share intelligence data with other western grown-up countries.  You can guess the rest:

separation – check;
more boundaries – check;
untenable – check;
difficult and costly – check, etc, etc.

Nice try though and it did provide a wee break from the Murdoch boreathon.

Things are a wee bit different over at the Sunday Depress where one of the main articles involves Labour supporter Daniel Kelly expressing a wish on a Labour Facebook group that the First Minister’s father would die.  Going by the group membership it looks like you have to be pretty well connected in party circles in order to join this group so this is a pretty astonishing remark, one you’d expect to be making major headlines on BBC Scotland and the MSM.  Certainly had any of our cybernat pagers gone off in the middle of the night with a directive from SNP HQ to post something equally offensive about a Labour MSP’s relative then you can imagine the “Salmond under fire over his out-of-control cybernat army” headlines that would’ve followed.

While dregs like this are hardly worth bothering about you’d expect Liebour to have immediately taken action to kick the low-life out instead of incredibly claiming it to be a “desperate smear campaign” by the nationalists.  The double standards of that lot truly gast your flabber.  The FM’s old man did issue a nice put-down though: “This person is in for a disappointment – there’s no way I’m pegging out before the Cup Final.  I’ve been waiting all my life for a Hearts/Hibs final, and I’m going to be there in three weeks’ time.  In any case, I survived the war so I can survive the comments of some nyaff on the Internet.”  Class!

Kelly is Facebook friends with none other than Labour leader in Scotland Johann Lamont, her deputy Anas Sarwar and numerous high-profile Labour politicians like Margaret Curran, Jack McConnell, Cathy Jamieson, Ian Davidson, Tom Harris and Jackie Baillie.  Now who was it who said, “You can tell a lot about a man by the company he keeps?”   Oh that would be Johann Lamont while making her weekly fool of herself at First Minister’s questions on March 1st 2012.  Apparently you can tell a lot about a woman too.

A Cybernat

You’d think there was an election coming up in the next week or so going by the online and offline press up here at the moment.  Either that or the First Minister has changed his name by deed poll to Alex Salmondaccused.  They all seem to be at it, this business with Rupert Murdoch having provided the catalyst.

If there’s any concrete evidence then let’s be having it.  I’ve lost count of the number of pointless enquiries there’s been into the FM’s conduct since he took office.  Didn’t he have to refer himself to some committee last time after some Liebour twit got the procedure wrong?  Verdict – yet again, no case to answer.  It’s easy to insinuate stuff though.  Anyone can do that.  Take the headlines on the BBC Scotland website – Row over Salmond BSkyB ‘offer’ and Salmond ‘planned talks with Hunt’.  Or the Rectum – Alex Salmond under fire over his ‘deal’ with News International boss Rupert Murdoch.  Or the Depress – Alex Salmond Hawked Himself As BSkyB Lobbyist.  Or the Herald who also managed to get two out of it - Salmond accused of secret Murdoch deal and Salmond’s date with Leveson as pressure grows over links to Murdoch.  And so on.  Naturally where possible each headline was accompanied by an unflattering picture of the FM with the clear intention of planting the idea in the reader’s mind that he’s rattled or worried by the whole affair.

Is there a common theme here?  There’s two actually.  All the above are raving unionist hymnsheet singers and all are in competition one way or another with Rupert Murdoch’s business empire.

I like the fact that there’s lots of carefully placed inverted commas in there.  They must think folk are still as stupid as they clearly thought they were pre May 2011.  I had a wee gander at some of the articles myself to see what all the fuss was about and don’t see the point of doing an in-depth analysis.  They were all basically saying the same thing in any case - mucho ‘appeared to suggest’, ‘uncomfortable media briefing’ and ‘apparently offered’.  Any concrete evidence?  That’ll be a “no” then?

So why has all this suddenly exploded?  Well the MSM know just how vital these forthcoming local elections are.  Were the SNP to take control of every major city in Scotland then that is one hell of a launchpad to propel them forward over the next couple of years.  The juggernaut would be well nigh unstoppable so it just looks like a desperate assault on the top man’s credibility to try and make some mud stick.

What I don’t get though is why a Government trying to maintain cordial relationships with the press is such a big deal.  If Liebour expect us to believe that they’d make a point of alienating Rupert Murdoch, a man who has met with Ed Millipede far more often than Alex Salmond then they must think our heads button up the back, we all believe in the tooth fairy and that we were right to bomb the living sh*t out of Iraq.  Everyone knows that Tony Blair would’ve stuck a webcam above his marital bed with a live feed to the Sun website to get their support in 1997 and it was probably only because there was no such thing back then that he didn’t.

Presumably Ian Gray pledging that when elected FM (stop laughing at the back) he’d give so many millions to the newspapers to ensure all teenagers got access to one was ok as well.  Silly idea in any case.  By the time your average teen gets his/her butt out of bed the dailies are already obsolete.

Of course it’s no surprise to see the 3 opposition parties up here squeaking with one voice on the matter.  Why don’t they just merge?  They’re pretty much the same thing anyway.

Now I don’t usually watch First Minister’s questions but I thought it might actually be a good giggle today and so it transpired.  No doubt the press will be reporting it as the blessed Johann raining blow after blow on a clearly uncomfortable First Minister but the reality was somewhat different.  All I saw was some wee weegie wifie trying to read from a carefully prepared script and trying hard not to look flustered while the gales of laughter met her every utterance.  She looked like she’d downed a pint of vinegar before the start of proceedings and stood there glowering like she expected her man home any minute having spent all his wages at the bookies en route.  All that was missing was the rolling pin.  Truly car crash TV at its most embarrassing.  If Mr Salmond looks at all uncomfortable it’s probably because he’s puzzling about how to deal with these bozos without coming across as a smart-ass.  It reminds me of Muhammad Ali saying to ringside executives that’d paid for expensive advertising during one of his fights: “I can’t hold this bum up any longer!”

They were going big on the story on last night’s STV news that I caught just after the more important matter of the fitba.  “Will this be the end of the matter or will it rumble on?” speculated the presenter.  Oh it’ll rumble on all right.  Until next Thursday would be my bet.

A Cybernat

What should’ve been the big story of the week was the truly despicable remarks by historian Dr David Starkey in a Bow Group debate: “If you think about it, Alex Salmond is a democratic Caledonian Hitler, although some would say Hitler was more democratically elected. (For him) the English, like the Jews, are everywhere.”

Yes, because you can easily compare last year’s Scottish elections which returned an overall majority for Alex Salmond’s SNP with the violent physical attacks on the Nazi’s opponents and forceful closure of opposition newspapers.  I myself was part of a team of boot boys that burst in to the Daily Record’s offices and administered a good kicking to anyone rash enough to be wearing red.  As for the remark about the Jews, well there are some things that are just so downright evil that comparisons should never be drawn because to do so belittles the memory and suffering of those who went through them.  I’m actually finding it hard to express just what I think about that comment.   It’s difficult to see how you could pack more ignorance into such few words.

Although I tend to be of the opinion that the foaming utterings of unionist madmen are welcome because they keep pushing people into the Yes camp, we can do without “contributions” such as this.  There’s a world of difference between being controversial to try to stir up a reaction and making a complete and utter @rse of yourself.

You’d think that the MSM and BBC up here would’ve gone berserk over these insulting remarks that came hard on the heels of “Skintland”.  However, it didn’t cause nearly half the stooshie that erupted over the First Minister calling the BBC chief who prevented him appearing on a sports programme “a Gauleiter”.  Now this word has long passed into mainstream use and simply describes someone in an official capacity that’s behaving in an overbearing, authoritative manner.  That didn’t stop the salivating pack though, desperate as they always are to grab at any straw.

While decades of London looking after our interests has decimated our manufacturing base, some factions in Scotland can still manufacture outrage better and in greater quantities than anywhere else.  Labour in particular.   As if they’d know what Gauleiter meant of course.  I doubt if it was a common insult that they heard all too often growing up in their fiefdoms: “Hoi you ya ‘kin  Gauleiter.  Geez yer denner money – now!”  However, once explained to them they pounced on the story quicker than a crocodile on an unfortunate migratory wildebeest on Wildlife on One.

It’s strange that the BBC declined to comment on the Hitler row when asked to by the Herald.  Surely this would’ve been a seriously newsworthy item?  The MSM even found someone from the Labour Party to condemn it – some business manager called Paul Martin.  There’s no truth in the rumour that he was the hundredth person they asked (mainly because it’s doubtful that they have that many members any more).

Starkey has plenty of form for insulting our “feeble little country”, even once denouncing Robert Burns as a “boring provincial poet”.  Oor Rabbie is no longer here to defend himself which is probably just as well for Starkey given the barbs that would surely have flown from the great man’s pen.  I’m sure he wouldn’t have minded me penning one on his behalf though:

There once was a nutter called Starkey
About Scots he was always quite sarcy
Salmond, Hitler and Jews?
Is the guy on the booze?
Cos he doesn’t half talk some malarkey.

A Cybernat

It certainly took a few days for the fuss to die down following that nonsensical front cover of The Economince.  You can always rely on something else coming along quickly to upset everyone though and sure enough the EBC “training” videos duly obliged, apparently showing senior staff coaching junior ones on how to deal with the independence debate.  Can we be sure that there isn’t an equivalent sequence of videos showing how to give the unionist camp a rough time?  There’ll be a few folk in blogoland with egg on their faces if that’s the case.  However, given the beeb’s track record I’m sure they’ll be safe enough. 

I didn’t post on the subject as it’s been comprehensively covered elsewhere and I’ll confine my response to the EBC to the below:

Click here

Anyway, there’s always plenty of other things to get annoyed about.  Take one of our favourite fish supper wrappers The Northbriton.  Please.  And put it out of its misery for goodness’ sake.  You’d think by the way their share price has plunged through the floor and by the rapid exodus of their readers that it would maybe be starting to dawn on them that they might just be ever so slightly out of touch with Scottish public opinion.  However, they seem to be of the view that they need to crank up the negativity a few notches and everyone will come flocking back.

There’s been some real guff in that comic recently.  Take the headline that was screaming out from near the top of their website the other day: “SNP activist caught up in ‘fake leaflet’ row”.    Sounds serious given the prominence they gave it.  So what was the story?  Apparently a member of the SNP’s ruling executive committee was wrongly listed on a leaflet as having gone to Stirling University when she actually attended those in Edinburgh and Glasgow.  Well hand the lassie a blindfold and give her a final cigarette.  It’s got to be right up there with soliciting donations for favours and nutting opposition MP’s that one.

Then we had them going big on the SNP discussing whether or not to reconsider their opposition to NATO membership.  Except the SNP don’t “discuss” anything according to the Northbriton.  They have “schisms” and “deep fissures” appear between opposing factions as they position their tanks on either side of the lawn at Bute House.  It makes you wonder why people vote for an obviously divided party that are so at each others’ throats.

Surely they can do better than that though?  Well they could actually and they did just the very next day with an absolute classic.  It seems that “Scotland ‘faces bill of £30bn’ after North Sea oil runs out”.  Now while the credentials of Professor Alex Kemp who issued the warning can’t be doubted, his reasoning certainly can.  However, The Northbriton and its unionist allies were all over it like a rash as they saw a stick to beat the SG with.  Now here’s where their argument simply falls to pieces: we can’t expect the rest of the UK to help pay for the decommissioning of redundant oil rigs after the wells run dry in spite of the fact that they’ve reaped decades worth of benefits from them!  Does anyone see the parallel between this and the failures of RBS and HBOS?  Exclusively ours in the bad times but all the cash flowing to the UK treasury in the good ones.  Aye it’s that time-served unionist argument again – all of the debt and none of the assets.

Tory Tim Yeo waded in with, “There is no way that an independent Scotland could come back in 28 years to the rest of the UK and ask for the clean-up costs to be paid.”  Oh yes we could, Mr Yeo.  And we would.  Why on earth shouldn’t you pay your fair share?

Leaping gallantly to Scotland’s defence was Glasgow Liebour MP John Robertson, stating that it was “incredible that the Scottish Parliament wanted all the revenues from oil reserves while making sure the UK government pays for any clean-up in 28 years’ time”.  He added, “Scotland has benefited as much from oil as any area within the United Kingdom,” seemingly unaware of the deprivation and sink estates that still exist in the very city he claims to represent decades after the oil revenues started heading south.  We can always rely on the likes of him to stick up for their country.

Obviously he did the Liebour thing of “present arms, aim at foot, fire” with his very remark that the rest of the UK had benefited from oil too but only Scotland should be responsible for paying for the clean-up.  Of course any journalist worth his salt would’ve picked up on that.  Pity there aren’t any working at that bogroll.  Well done all the same, John.  I’m sure you’ll get a pat on the head from your London masters for your input.  Just think though, if only you’d mentioned that it should be up to us to pay for a deepwater port to relocate Trident south of the border then you could’ve rolled over and got your tummy tickled as well.

Can you imagine if the First Minister annouced he’d cut a deal with the Chinese that’d see them decommission the rigs and transport all the steel to their hungry scrap metal markets and in return we’d get so many pandas that they could be released into the wilds to establish their own breeding colony around Salisbury Crags?  No doubt it’d be: “In a devastating blow to Salmond’s credibility we managed to find an expert who says that the rest of the UK are entitled to 91.6% of the redundant rigs based on population share and as such the upper crust from the establishment will be entitled to hunt theses pandas once they get bored disintegrating a few grouse.”

I’ve got an idea for the editors of this rag.  Instead of trotting out the over-used “SNP accused” or “Blow to Salmond’s Hopes” nonsense they could maybe just start their headlines with “Once upon a time…”

A Cybernat

Well what can you say about that load of utter garbage that seems to have sent the blogosphere into meltdown?!  I was looking forward to a relaxing evening myself having already updated the blog last night.  Some things can’t be ignored though.

I’m not going to go through it all as Friday night is curry night chez moi and the last thing I want is a bout of indigestion while a nice spicy madras is settling comfortably in my system.

However, the banks… yet again!  How many times are we sodding well going to hear that garbage???  Let’s go over it one more time: WE’LL HAPPILY ACCEPT EVERY PENNY OF DEBT RUN UP BY THEM IF YOU REFUND EVERY PENNY THAT’S EVER BEEN MADE IN TAXATION AS A RESULT OF THEM AND GONE STRAIGHT TO THE UK TREASURY.  Deal? 

Oh, and while you’re at it let us know how the good people of Halifax are getting on paying off the HBOS debt.  It can’t have done much for the economics of that particular town.  I suppose it’ll be a wee while before they can afford basic public services like getting their wheelie bins emptied again.

What saddens me about that total claptrap is the amount of unionist “Scots” that will be positively lapping it up.  With a remarkable piece of skill, Tory David McLetchie actually managed to turn it around into an attack on the SNP: “The SNP would be better advised to answer the important points made in the article about Scotland’s future.  Instead, they are manufacturing outrage aimed at anyone who dares to question their perspective that a separate Scotland would be a land of milk and honey, a line they are constantly pedalling about our future.  If this is the level of debate we are going to get from the SNP while we wait 1,000 days for their referendum, then it is no wonder that they are more interested in trying to avoid the big questions on issues such as currency and welfare.”

Nothing about this slur on your country then, Davie?  Taxi for McLetchie indeed.  Sounds like a fair swap to me.  I’ve yet to hear a quote from a Liebour politician yet.  No doubt they’re too busy high-fiving each other.

A Cybernat

I’ve just entered my 50th year on this here rock (age 49 not 50 – that’d be my 51st).  Normally around the time of your birthday you tend to evaluate things so I thought that’d be a good idea.  Not on how my life’s going as I realise that’s of minimal interest to both my readers, but more on what’s happening with cybernats.com.  Mind you, let me digress for a moment and fill you in on what’s important on my life’s path.

Is Scotland an independent country yet?  No, but hopefully that’ll come to pass in a couple of years.  This is something I’ve craved for as long as I remember.  It must’ve been 1974 when I recall Mrs Fraser ripping an SNP sticker off my jersey at the primary school the day after a general election.  Nowadays she could’ve been sued for touching me of course but back then you just had to seethe.  This was the same teacher who told us one day that “Ben Nevis is the highest mountain in England!”  I wasn’t long in putting the old bat right even at my tender age.  We didn’t all want the class growing up ignorant.

Has Scotland won the World Cup yet?  No and that might take a wee bit longer.  It might also be dependent on the guy who gave us Dolly the Sheep getting a hold of some of Lionel Messi’s DNA.

So what about the blog?  Well firstly it’s time to update the blogroll and say goodbye to some blogs that have given up or haven’t been updated in a long time for whatever reason.  There’s no point in an outgoing link to a dead site lowering my Google pagerank.  I was actually also thinking of getting rid of the sites belonging to “we cannaes” but think that’d be a tad hypocritical given that I’m among the first to moan about the MSM denying the pro-independence side a voice.  So Tory Phone Box can stay even though they’ve twice promised me a link back but haven’t delivered.  Imagine that – a Tory not keeping their word.  Whatever next?  Anyway, such people aren’t the enemy.  We just have different views on what’s best for Scotland.  There’s the right way and there’s their way.

Initially I intended the site to act as a portal to the various pro-independence sites out there with the occasional bout of spleen venting from myself, but then I got a wee bit carried away.  I never thought I’d be doing parodies of Two Little Boys or Donald Whaur’s Yer Troosers!  Actually I can’t believe I didn’t do Two Little Boys when blogging about Eric Joyce – The Right Honourable Joyce made plenty of noise, when grabbed tight by the fuzz…

Certainly one major aim has been achieved and that is ranking high in Google for the cybernat/cybernats words.  Last time I looked I had 2 out of the top 4 places for the former and 2 out of the top 3 for the latter.  The goal is to maintain these rankings as the terms become more widely used and that means continually updating the blog because Google loves fresh content on a site.

The other aim was to give a backlink to Newsnet Scotland which was easy enough to achieve.  Given the ravings of the MSM and the BBC I think we’ll all have to unite around the NNS banner.  I can only see things becoming worse - more vicious, more relentlessly negative with the continual attacks.  NNS is the only credible alternative as far as I can see and while I have the utmost respect for them and what they’re doing, there’s a lot more that could be done.  I’ve found that suggestions sent to them don’t even get a response and if you make one in the comment stream on an article it just gets lost as time ticks on.  This is extremely frustrating as I’ve continually seen good ideas put forward on there but with no way of contacting the originator.

That’s just a personal moan.  Of more concern is the fact that NNS is still hovering at the bottom of page 1/top of page 2 for the all-important “Scotland news” search.  More backlinks is the key.  With lots of “cybernats” blogging away and linking back I’ve no doubt that NNS would propel up the rankings.  I often think that there’s a lot of “preaching to the converted” goes on in the NNS comments.  There’s no reason why somebody can’t have their say on there, but they’d be doing so much more good setting up their own blog, letting off steam every few days and providing a solid backlink.

It costs nothing.  A blog can be hosted for free on Google or on WordPress.  I chose to have my own domain name as I wanted to keep cybernats.com out of enemy hands, but even so it costs less than a fiver a month.  I am happy to help anyone get started.  I don’t pretend to be an expert but I’ve set one up, it works and all you need to do is copy what I’ve done.  I even have some domain names available – friendsoftheunion.co.uk, mccrone-report.com, distortingscotland.com, cybernat.info, cybernat.net, cybernats.info, cybernats.net, cybernats.org.  I have plans for friendsoftheunion.co.uk, but if anyone wants one of the others then just ask.  What will it cost?  Nothing.  I’ll host them and provide the login details for the control panel.  You can then vent away to your heart’s content.

Remember – a regularly updating site backlinking to Newsnet Scotland can only help with their Google ranking.  What would several hundred do?  What would the impact be of all these surfers putting “Scotland news” into their engine and seeing that there actually is an alternative viewpoint to the trash they’ve previously been fed?  All it takes is a wee bit more effort from us all and eventually the tipping point will be reached.

A Cybernat

I wasn’t sure whether to bother doing a blog post over Easter, but sometimes you read something so ridiculous that you just have to pass comment on it.  Having just returned from a wee break and doing some catch-up on the news I was astonished to read that utter guff from the Northbriton about Amazon and the HMRC.  No doubt it’s been done to death elsewhere but indulge me.  I suppose you’ve got to hand it to them – the way they can get a “Salmond accused” or “devastating blow to the SNP” into pretty much any story requires a high level of imagination.  We’ve become somewhat accustomed to daily negativity from this particular outlet for the “we cannaes” but I have to say that this one really gasted my flabber.

‘ALEX Salmond has been accused of delivering a “kick in the teeth” to Scottish business after it emerged that online sales giant Amazon has paid no corporation tax in the UK despite receiving more than £10 million in SNP government handouts.  The revelations came after the First Minister boasted about what he described as a “historic” deal that saw Amazon set up a distribution centre in Dunfermline, alongside its customer call centre in Edinburgh.’

Can you even begin to imagine the outcry if the First Minister HADN’T worked with Amazon to bring these much-needed jobs north of the border?  My guess is that it would’ve gone along the lines of:

‘ALEX Salmond has been accused of delivering a “kick in the teeth” to Scotland’s unemployed after it emerged that online sales giant Amazon will set up their distribution centre south of the border after the First Minister refused them a £10 million grant.  A spokesman for the First Minister said he was concerned that Amazon had paid no corporation tax in the UK in spite of corporation tax being strictly a reserved matter.  Labour leader and true First Minister-in-waiting Johann Lamont stormed, “Hot on the heels of the steel contracts for the new Forth Bridge going to China instead of Lanarkshire, etc, etc…”‘

I weep for the trees that were standing proudly in the forest, happily photosynthesising away for the benefit of mankind, taking in the carbon dioxide and releasing pure oxygen before being chopped down, butchered, pulped and having that garbage stamped on them.  I really thought the bottom of the barrel had been scraped the week before with the online Daylate Rectum wasting electrons on some total nonsense from Travis’ Fran Healy:

“Thankfully, I don’t have to look at Alex Salmond’s face every day. That is the only contentious thing. I just don’t like the look of the guy.  With Alex Salmond, it’s a definite no.  If someone else was involved in independence then I might feel differently.”

Never mind the business about the voting age being 16/17, maybe we should insist on that being the IQ level before someone is allowed anywhere near a polling station.  Is this really the best they can do?  Is this really the level of debate we’ve got to look forward to over the next couple of years?  Heaven help us.

Speaking of bogroll, I was reading something in the Dundee Courier & Advertiser about my old stamping ground of Abertay.  It wasn’t a university all these moons ago when I did my edyoocayshun of course, but the more modestly titled Dundee College of Technology.  What caught my eye though was an adjacent article.  It’s funny how your peripheral vision can take things in.  It kept droning on about the “Scottish Executive” which had me checking the article’s date since anyone with a functional brain cell knows that it’s been 5 years since the Holyrood ruling party has been known as this.  However, when it then got on to what an appallingly beastly bunch these cybernats are, I started to think that I’d seen this style of writing before.  I’d never heard of the author though – Jenny Hjul.  A quick search on Google revealed she’s married to our old friend Alan Cochrane at the Torygraph!  Apologies if you knew this but it was a major revelation for me.  You can only guess what their domestic life must be like:

“Dammit!”
“What’s wrong, darling?”
“That bulb in the lobby’s gone again.”
“Bloody cybernats!”

A moustachioed journo called Cochrane
Of cybernats wasn’t a big fan
His wife was the same
She’d a real funny name
And wrote the same bilge as her old man.

A Cybernat (proudly despised by Alan Cochrane)

The evils of cybernattery have been very much in the news up here over the last few days.  Apparently we’re anonymous attack dogs that get our instructions directly from SNP HQ before launching ourselves en masse at whatever hapless journalist has been rash enough to leave his Comments section open.  I’ve mentioned this before but it beats me why it hasn’t dawned on any of them that perhaps the more extreme ones are maybe trollish in nature.  After all, anonymity is the perfect cloak and you can pretend to be anyone.  I’ve certainly seen some real crackers that have assumed the persona of a pro-unionist but have really been clever p*ss-takes.

I’ve never received a directive from the SNP, but maybe not being a party member would have something to do with that.  I don’t think I’d be very happy at being expected to drop everything and run to the computer after being told what/where to post in any case.  I doubt if this actually happens, it just sounds so ridiculous.  Maybe this whole organised ”army of cybernats” stuff is all just in their imagination?  Or perhaps the pro-positive community online outnumbers the “we cannaes” because the offline world is closed to them?  Oh, and if anyone cares to check the whois database record for this domain then full details of the ranting, swivel-eyed loonie that owns it are available.

Apparently what’s getting their goats at the moment is this whole consultation thing.  I don’t know about anyone else but I’m getting bored with all this.  I took part in the SG consultation myself, but I didn’t realise until I read it in the online press that a standard response was available.  I did know that you could leave your details out which I chose to do.  What’s the problem with that?  On the Westmidden equivalent consultation nearly a quarter of the submitted responses came via a Liebour party website but seemingly that’s ok.  They also helpfully provided standard text for their legion of cyberprats to use on the SG one, again emphasising the double standards we’ve become accustomed to.  You’d think folk would be embarrassed submitting semi-literate drivel like “gerroan wi’ it ya separatist bastirts an’ stop denyin’ us oor birthright” but there you go.

Of more interest to me recently was the astonishing revelation by Peter Cruddas that the Tories might not be as pro-union as they’ve been leading us to believe.  Can you even begin to imagine the way the MSM and BBC would have erupted if something similar about independence had left the mouth of a senior SNP figure?  I do believe that Cameron is actually pro-union, but I get the feeling many of his colleagues would be glad to see the back of us, although that’d mainly be the ones who aren’t privy to the official figures.  No doubt the official position will continue to be for the union which is a pity as it would’ve left Liebour as the defenders and put them in the position of begging the Tories to let us stay.  Now that would be something I’d love to see.  I doubt if even the Daylate Rectum could spin their way out of that one.

 I suppose we’ll just need to get used to the Tories and Labour working together and it’s put me in the mood for a wee song.  The last blog post was a bit morbid so it’ll be nice to raise the tone again.  With apologies to the immortal Rolf Harris – “G’day, sport, fair dinkum, mate, what didgiredoo that for?”  All together now:

Two Tory boys did speak with one voice
Each had a wooden head
Daily they’d say, “You lot must stay”
One was David, the other Ed.
Each little chap didn’t half talk some crap
There was another who’d say, “You can’t”
Just a bit thick, they called him Nick
But he’s not really relevant.

“I would think that you’d just be flying
By the seat of your pants that’s true
On your own you Jocks would soon be crying
You’re just wee, poor and stupid too.
You’re ungrateful for all these subsidies
When really you should rejoice
You’re stronger when we’re together
You really don’t have a choice.”

As time passed, the barbs came so fast
Such negativity
The warnings were dire as they did conspire
With their pals at the BBC.
“Their plans we must foil, they’ve still got some oil,”
Said Tories both red and blue,
“London’s for me, that’s where I want to be
With its trough and expense forms too.”

Did you think we’d believe your lying
When we see for ourselves what’s true?
Live with it cos we’re soon untying
These chains binding us to you.
The Tories were all a-tremble,
“Whatever could be that noise?”
Perhaps it’s that all a sudden
Auld Scotia’s refound her voice.

A Cybernat

It being April 1st I was going to post a “hunty gowk” first thing this morning.  Too late now of course as such things have to be done before midday else you render yourself open to the charge of “April Fool’s past – you’re a silly ass.”

For the record though the one I was going to do was about this country where a valuable commodity was discovered offshore and they actually proceeded to get poorer, allowing all the revenues to be siphoned off by their neighbour.  Owing to historical reasons of bribery and corruption this country had no parliament of its own but shared one with said neighbour as part of an “equal” union.  Amazingly enough the representatives that they sent to this parliament didn’t just stand idly by and watch while this valuable asset was stripped, but they actually colluded with representatives from the other country to ensure that the true value of this resource should never become known to the inhabitants.  They even said that their own people would end up living in the equivalent of a third-world nation while all the time knowing full well that the contents of a secret report predicted entirely the opposite.

When it came time for general elections the word was put out by those in the existing government and their opponents that the commodity was actually quite scarce and would soon dwindle to non-existent levels, a story that was slavishly repeated by the televised and printed media outlets.

So corrupt were the politicians that the country trusted to defend their interests that even when a thoroughly evil government was elected very much against the wishes of their homeland and that made its hatred clear by systematically destroying the country’s industrial base, they still did nothing to speak up for their countrymen.  They preferred instead the idea that soon enough they’d get a turn at being rulers with the associated trappings of power rather than form their own government back home.

Meanwhile a similarly-sized, small independent nation not a million miles away discovered equivalent quantities of the same resource and immediately set about utilising it for the benefit of their citizens who proceeded to enjoy some of the best public services on their continent.

April Fool indeed.  Thankfully something so ridiculous could never happen to anyone.

A Cybernat

It’s been a strange old time in blogoland recently.  I’ve noticed that quite a few fellow bloggers haven’t been updating as regularly as normal and I’ve been suffering a wee bit from lack of motivation myself.  My theory is that there’s just so much lunacy going on at the moment that it’s becoming overwhelming.  I mean, where on earth do you start?

Look at last week.  It began with the nonsensical claims that the Orkney and Shetland Islands would remain as part of the UK in the event that their local vote was to say no to independence.  However, no opinion was offered on whether they themselves could go their own way if they said yes but the mainland said no.  Talk about wanting  your bread with butter and jam on both sides.  Anywhere else you’d like to keep?  Why not occupy Stirling and Edinburgh castles again?  After all, a steady stream of income comes in there via the large visitor numbers.  Or how about that deprived sink estate in Glasgow’s east end that’s always voted Unionist Labour down the decades?  What’s that?  No thanks we can keep that one?  Oh, okay.  Cheers.

Anyway, surely all the pro camp would need to do would be to set up a permanent base camp on the nearest uninhabited island to the oil wells?  There are plenty to choose from after all and as the majority of the inhabitants voted yes then we’d be sorted.  I’m more than happy to volunteer my good lady for the first stint.  Certainly not having to do any canvassing on these windswept crags would be a distinct advantage.  Two or three hours clambering around there and you’d soon be puffin.  Fulmar-ks to me for working that pun in.

It does make you wonder about the standard of argument from the “we cannaes” though.  Maybe that’s why some bloggers have become a bit stale.  They’ve just got fed up with the tedious, one-sided battle of wits against defenceless opponents.

There was also the budget of course, quickly followed by events in the Scottish Parliament with the tag team of Lamont-Baillie dragging a couple of old dears across country in a pathetic stage-managed attempt to score some cheap political points as they reverted to their long-discredited blanket theory.  Why such matters couldn’t have been sorted by the layers of hospital management escapes me.  I’d hate to be a patient who actually did take such a complaint to one of the gruesome twosome – “Aw that’s magic.  Would ye mind just lyin’ there shiverin’ till the next First Meenister’s Questions?” 

There’s a precedent for dealing with such matters.  It was set by none other than Alistair Campbell when a patient’s family complained that their elderly relative was left on a trolley for 48 hours: “Smear the old bat.  Tell the press she was offered treatment but refused cos the doctor was black.”  Thankfully the Scottish Government wouldn’t stoop to these Liebour depths.  Possibilities though – ” she was offered a green/orange cover but refused cos she’s a cream bun/throw a sickie.”

I would like to know who in their right mind would agree to share a blanket in a hospital where the threat of infection is obviously rife and just don’t understand what’s up with Jackie Baillie that she keeps on embarrassing herself.  And that is how you win £20 when one of your readers is rash enough to bet that you can’t use “I would like to”, “share a blanket” and “with Jackie Baillie” in that order in a sentence without adding “when hell freezes over”.

After the weekly laughalongwithJohann we were straight into the Tory party conference which allowed me to use the blatantly obvious pictorial gag on the last post.  However, of more interest was the story breaking around the same time of their latest cash for access shenanigans although to be fair, watching your front green growing would probably have been more interesting too.  They always used to say that Labour got involved in money scandals and the Tories in sex ones or was it the other way round?  Given that they’re both largely the same thing I don’t suppose it really makes much difference.  Anyway, it did get me thinking that if A.C. Benson was still around he’d probably regret not having used these words when Edward Elgar asked him to pen some verses on top of his famous tune:

Land or rope a Tory
Pay a monthly fee
How shall we oblige thee
Change a policy?
Wider still, and wider
Our coffer jaws are set
Backhanders excite me
So access thou shall get

The envelope will fit nicely
In my back pocket.

A very large donation
Unlocks our private den
Where you’ll meet with the PM
And dine at Number Ten
We can do lots for you
If you’ll play the game
You’ll be in on some meetings
And call our Dave by name

Though the people are different
The Tory’s still the same.

A Cybernat

For the second time this year us heathens were graced with the presence of our illustrious Prime Minister as he ventured northwards to his party’s conference in Troon.  Not much danger of being trampled to death in the crowds I suppose, blue rosettes being about as scarce as blue moons this side of the Tweed.

Last time he made a jolly spiffing case for the Union, what?  We’ve got to stick together because of all these French we killed together at Waterloo and all the Germans in the World Wars.  Well this time he’s going to “fight with everything he’s got.”  Anyone see a common theme here?  I wonder if this is something that’s automatically built-in to the average toffs’ psyche?  Maybe he’ll sail his new aircraft carrier up the Clyde to teach all us spongers a lesson.  Just a pity he won’t have any planes to put on it.

So what did he bring with him this time?  The long-awaited “positive case for the union” perhaps…

“We walk taller, stand prouder, shout louder together.  That’s why not only can you love Scotland and love the United Kingdom, not only can you drape yourself in the Saltire and the Union Jack, but you can be prouder of your Scottish heritage than your British heritage – as many in Scotland are – and still believe that Scotland is better off in Britain.”

Aye, but why?  I’ve banged on about this before, but this “stronger together” routine really rips ma knittin.  What the blazes does it mean?  How is Scotland more visible on the world stage through having gradually become the lesser partner in what was supposed to be a union of equals?  I’d love to hear one – just one – example.  It’s not asking for much.

“And all this is why this prime minister and this party is going to fight for the United Kingdom with everything we’ve got”.

You forgot “right down to the last drop of oil after which they can p*ss off if they like.”

“At the last election, Alex Salmond asked for a mandate for a vote on independence.  He won that election. He got his mandate. I offered him his referendum, and now he won’t take it – what on earth is going on?”

Very generous of you, Davie boy.  We’re having one of our own though, maybe you’ve heard about it?  Thanks all the same though.  You weren’t all that keen pre-May 11 so we had to make our own arrangements.

“Delay creates uncertainty, for businesses, investors and families.  People need to know one way or the other, so my message to the first minister is this – stop dithering and start delivering.”

You’d think he’d have learned from last time when he came out with the same routine in a porridge factory that’d just made a major investment but apparently not.  Well done to Galxo and Gamesa for the votes of confidence today, proving that businesses are interested in balance sheets not borderlines, and certainly not idiotic scare stories.

“Let’s be frank, we aren’t where we want to be in Scotland – nowhere near it.”

Maybe so, Davie, but you are where you DESERVE to be.  Big difference.

“There are those who think this is just a fact of life, that a small Conservative presence north of the border is inevitable – I am resolutely not one of them.”

I am resolutely not one of them either. 

“Millions of people across Scotland believed in Conservative values, like looking after the less fortunate, helping talent grow and backing families, adding: “Our challenge is to reach out to these people, to reconnect their beliefs with ours.”

Hmmm…

“And that’s the thing about the SNP – they’ve spread the idea that, if you love your country, you have no choice but to go it alone, that believing in the Union is somehow treasonous.”

Yet again – negativity, negativity.  It’s relentless.  Examples of anyone from the SNP using such language?  None of course but that won’t stop the BBC and the MSM parroting it.  I’m surprised “separation” wasn’t in there as well.  Let me tell you about separatists and separatism: the unionists are the true separatists – those that would prevent Scotland from regaining her rightful place in the international community, those that would deny Scotland a voice on the international stage, those that would happily keep Scotland apart from the family of nations.  Rant over.  For now.

“There’s no reason why a moderate, sensible, centre-right party could not represent the people of Scotland.”

No reason at all.  Let us know if one ever comes along will you?

“The time for timidity is over.  Enough of the hand-wringing and trying to be all things to all people.  Let’s be clear about what we stand for – and what we won’t put up with.”

It’s clear enough what you and your sort stand for, Cameron.  Oh so very clear.

Davie Cameron’s noo awa’
Back tae London on a plane
Just wish he’d took that Ruth anaw
B*gger off and don’t come back again.

A Cybernat

There was some real wacky stuff from the “we cannae” parties this week along with their mouthpieces in the press.

First we had former Chancellor Alistair Darling getting stuck into the First Minister for supporting the takeover by RBS of ABN Amro, somehow managing to forget that he was the person who actually signed the deal off.  We can only assume that the passage of time is gradually separating the esteemed gentleman from his faculties.  Now if Alex Salmond is a “fool”…

I’m not really sure what the FM was supposed to do at the time other than write a letter of support.  I suppose if he wrote “stop this blatant profiteering, Goodwin ya dirty capitalist pig” then that no doubt would have received somewhat negative press coverage as well.  What is interesting though is the way that the “we cannae” mob approached it at the time.  “Luckily we’re part of a union which gave the British bank RBS the strength for the takeover” seemed to be the generally accepted theme.  Of course when it all fell apart, RBS reverted to being Scottish again.  Andymurrayitis it’s known as.  “G’wan, Andy my san.  We ‘aven’t ‘ad a British winner at Wimbers for… dammit…useless Scottish tw*t.”

Then we had some stooshie in the Daily Heil because Asda had sent emails to suppliers advising them not to encase their products in the union flag in case it offended the porridge wogs.

“The email was sent at a time when the issue of independence for Scotland is on the political agenda because of a promised referendum by the Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond.  But Conservative MP Andrew Rosindell has predicted a backlash against Asda if it panders to the Scottish nationalist stance.”

Eh???  You have to wonder when people like that look in the mirror in the morning and find to their horror that they’ve acquired a plook on their nose overnight if they somehow manage to blame Scottish nationalists for it.  Still it does make for entertaining reading in the Comments section.  I thought the below were a couple of brammers:

“INTERCOURSE THE SCOTS AND THE SAME GOES TO ASDA, THE SHORT MINDED IDIOTS, for dont they know the SCOTS only buy whisky and poridge + tablets for their diabetes and blood pressure.”

Yes, intercourse please.  I was happy enough with the free health care, education, prescriptions and care home fees you already generously provide, but I’ll have some of that too since it’s on offer.

“Plenty of goods in Asda’s English stores with the Scottish ( Saltire) flag on, When will Asda put the Cross of St.George on English goods in place of the Union flag. Seems a bit odd not to upset 5million Scots, but ok to upset 52million English.”

Shopping isn’t really one of my household duties but last time I was in Asda the cheese section was packed with products that had the St George’s Cross on them.  Naturally I went berserk and wrecked the place.  Actually I couldn’t have cared less.  That was their country of origin after all so what’s the big deal?  Only a bigot would consider a boycott on that basis.  Now when Mars changed the name of their famous choco bar to “Believe” for the 2006 World Cup that was a bit different!  I haven’t eaten one since but that’s another story.

By far my favourite happening of the week though was the minimum pricing for alcohol being voted through in the Scottish Parliament although I was quite amazed to see Willie Rennie on Question Time gushing enthusiastically over it with the fanatical zeal of the convert.  Weren’t they bitterly opposed to it along with the rest when the SNP had a minority administration just a wee while ago?  Now they’re acting like it’s their very own idea.  The Tories want it too.  Even the Daylate Rectum is now on board.  The UK Government are considering it.  Every entity seems to be in favour.  Except one.

That’s right, the ”it’s ma ba’ an’ we’re no playin’” brigade.  While any democracy needs an effetive opposition, they’re starting to move into quite embarrassing territory here with this perpetual “black… white, up… doon, straight… roond” routine.  I wonder why none of them were on Question Time given that it was being broadcast from St Andrews.  Maybe they couldn’t be trusted by their London overlords not to make quite pathetic fools of themselves.

“Why don’t you agree that there should be a minimum price on alcohol?”

“Look, the real issue is why aw thae steel contracts went tae China instead o’ right here where we nae longer mak the stuff, etc, etc.”

The people’s flag is deepest red
Now Scottish Labour’s nearly dead
We haven’t got a policy
Except oppose the essenpee

We hate that Salmond after all
So won’t agree on alcohol
It’s in our interests, that’s the gist
To vote for us you must be p*ssed.

A Cybernat

I suppose it can’t have been easy for Eric Joyce having to make a grovelling apology in the Commons the other day knowing the mocking eyes of the media would be trained on him.  Mind you for 65k guaranteed for the next 3 years plus expenses (LOTS of expenses) plus a nice pension on its way I reckon I could’ve done the full sackcloth and ashes routine myself.

If ever there was a situation that clearly demonstrated that there is indeed “one law for them and another for the rest of us” then Joycegate has undoubtedly been it.  Consider the following scenario:

You’ve had a long hard day at work (I know the analogy is starting to fall down already but bear with me).  You’re relaxing in the canteen when some employees from another department start winding you up by doing things like looking at you funny whereupon you understandably go berserk and start levelling them.  The police are called which you think is great as they’ll present a bit more of a challenge, but they somehow get the better of you and cart you away for a night’s hospitality.  However, before leaving you take a parting shot and wilfully damage some company property. After sleeping it off and appearing before the magistrate you decide to plead guilty even though your antics were witnessed by only around 30 or so creditable witnesses.  Now when your case comes to court does the judge:

a) impose a couple of minor financial penalties even though you’re pretty well minted and have a reputation for claiming up to the max on your company expense account as well?

b) inform you that, never mind being a neanderthal, as far as the evolutionary scale goes, your sort has yet to come crawling out of the swamp before imposing a strict, immediate custodial sentence coupled with victim compensation and a dire warning that any repeat behaviour will see even less leniency being shown as the public have a right to be protected from trash like you?

In addition, does your company :

a) tell you just to apologise and that you can keep your job until you yourself decide to resign with the condition that you’ll get a desk away from the others in the meantime?

b) fire you immediately leaving you at the mercy of the job market once you get out of the slammer?

Still, as irritating as the whole thing is it has upped my creativity levels and put me in the mood for another song.  It’s hard to resist when such a walking parody presents itself and I’m sure the late great Andy Stewart wouldn’t have minded me borrowing the tune to Donald Whaur’s Yer Troosers for a wee while…

The Falkirk folk have had enough
I’m staying put so that’s just tough
All of them can go get stuffed
Beggars can’t be choosers.

Chorus

Opinions high or opinions low
You know where you all can go
I’d have you all in a square go
When I go mad in boozers.

Although I acted like a lout
I’ll keep my job be in no doubt
Pension too, expense account
Honesty’s for losers.

Chorus

Opinions high or opinions low
You know where you all can go
I’d have you all in a square go
When I go mad in boozers.

She must be seventeen that lass
She barely can be out of class
When I move in and make a pass
She’ll see what’s in my troosers.

Chorus

Opinions high or opinions low
You know where you all can go
I’d have you all in a square go
When I go mad in boozers.

A Cybernat

I always like to have a gander at the online papers every day, mainly because I suffer from abnormally low blood pressure and that helps to regulate it.  However, I was absolutely gobsmacked when looking at the Daylate Rectum aka Pravda in the early part of the week to see that they’d actually given a column to a nationalist MSP and none other than the outspoken Joan McAlpine at that.

We have to heartily congratu… damn…

Sorry about that.  Quick reboot and try again…

We really have to say well done to… Nope, sorry – just won’t compute.

Okay, it’s quite <cough> decent <cough, splutter> of the <cough, choke> Daily Record to allow an SNP MSP to write a regular column for their rag.  Normally whenever the opinions of a nationalist (naturally always condescendingly referred to as a “nat”) are published, the opposition are unfailingly given the last word.  For good measure there’s usually a snippet in the editorial column as well, regurgitating the party line.  Mind you she’ll still find them a lot more amenable to the independence cause than her previous publication The Hootsmon.

I used to quite enjoy her blog Go Lassie Go which she presumably no longer has time to write with all her new responsibilities, but she now has the chance to get her message across to a wider audience and it certainly didn’t take her long to start ruffling some unionist feathers.  Approximately just after her first column hit the press in fact.  “How dare she compare Scotland to a downtrodden wife in an abusive marriage,” squawked the usual suspects in full-on feigned indignation mode.  “It’s an insult to battered women everywhere.  We couldn’t get her for rightly referring to us as anti-Scotttish but we’ll surely take her scalp this time.  If Alex Salmond is to maintain a shred of credibility then he’ll demand her resignation, etc, etc.”

Of course that was the usual gross misrepresentation.  Maybe if she’d moaned about the way the English position their tanks around Berwick and give us a good shelling now and again then their interpretation of her metaphor would have had some validity, but of course she said nothing of the kind.

She has to be particularly congratulated though for the way she put bitter unionist Alan Cochrane’s nose out of joint with her maiden column.  His drivel in this week’s Torygraph was truly classic as he let rip with a scatter-gun approach at everything he could think of.  Maybe he’s upset at Ms McAlpine’s efforts being available to a wider readership.  However, wondering if the SNP would be cheering the insult to the dead British soldiers by a (now ex) activist at their conference was truly woeful even by his low standards.  Every right-thinking person shares the same opinion of these repugnant remarks.  Still, it was a good straw for Cochrane to grab at.

Maybe I should get the domain name cyberscum.com as that’s apparently what we all are according to him.  Quite fond of sweeping statements is Alan.  I wonder if it’s dawned on him that, given the anonymity of the Internet, there isn’t the teensiest weensiest chance that some of the more extremist opinions in the online newspaper comments are being made by unionist “plants”.  After all they’ve got absolutely no arguments so what better way to discredit the pro-independence cause?

If Joan McAlpine has wound him up to this extent already then the next couple of years should be fun.  You go, lassie.

A Cybernat

Quite an appropriate title for this latest effort.  Older readers will of course remember the long-running, story-telling children’s TV series which I think came to an end around the mid-90′s.  The very term Jackanory was always used, at least in my part of the world, to taunt anyone suspected of somewhat embellishing the truth.  It was so widely accepted as part of the language that this didn’t just apply to bairns telling fibs in the school playground.  It wasn’t uncommon to hear in the adult workplace on a Monday morning: “So, nudge, nudge, did ye see a bit o’ action this weekend?  Aye?  Jackanory… Jackanory…”  Of course whenever the question was answered by my good self the wide-eyed response was usually, “May I sit at your feet and learn?”

This background info brings us nicely to the recent conduct of esteemed MSP and Shadow Health Spokesperson, Jackie Baillie.  You’ll recall that just a few months ago she hit the headlines with her devastating claims that Scotland was the superbug capital of Europe as our hospitals were showing shocking performance levels for hospital-acquired infections. Of course it then transpired that the figures she was using were from a period when her own lot were in charge.  Naturally this was headline news on the BBC and in the MSM at the time.  Wasn’t it?

Now let’s be generous and concede that anyone can make a mistake even if it was especially embarrassing when it came out that she’d actually grudgingly acknowledged the improvement in the actual levels just a short time before.  This generosity of spirit should also be applied to the MSM who weren’t exactly on the ball when it was discovered that her claims were nothing short of a pack of lies as, to be fair, there was a cat stuck up a tree in Rutherglen that day.

So, anyone can make a mistake, but to follow it up with this weekend’s howler?  Patients sharing blankets because of SNP cutbacks indeed.  How many infection-related rules would that contravene for starters?  Fair enough we’ve come to expect grubby attempts at scoring cheap political points from the Liebour party, but it’s actually a shocking way to insult the dedicated professionals who work in the hospital she’s bad-mouthing.  You have to wonder if someone is maliciously feeding her this erroneous data which she’s then spouting off as fact to the salivating hordes in the unionist press.  Or at least you would if there was a glimmer of hope of the true story receiving the same amount of publicity once the retractions start.  Nobody is looking for a BBC that broadcasts Scottish Government propaganda, but one that at least pretends to give both sides of the argument an airing would be nice.

Aside from all that, it’s obvious that Andy Williams missed a trick when he penned his sugar-coated classic hit I Love You Baby.  Or was it Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons?  No matter.  I bet they wished they’d kept the tune back and penned the below lines to it instead.  You’ll need to imagine the bit just before the chorus when the horns come in – dara dara dara dada…

You’re just too daft to be true
Can’t stand these lies off you
You are so far out of touch
You’ve been told just as much
You took us all for real mugs
Talking of hospital bugs
You’re just too daft to be true
Can’t stand these lies off you

Cos it all soon turned sour
As that’s when you were in power
You would think you’d have learned
Now contempt you have earned
You should be out on your erse
For saying blankets are scarce
You’re just too daft to be true
Can’t stand these lies off you

Chorus

Oh Jackie Baillie
You won’t apologise
Oh Jackie Baillie
So fond of porky pies
Oh Jackie Baillie
Who’d trust you when you say:
Although not lovers
When patients take a nap
They must share covers
You don’t half talk some crap
You’re in the mire, such a liar…

And while I’m in a creative mood let’s finish up by having a wee go at some poetry:

There once was a lassie called Jackie
A typical Labourite lackey
Share her blanket at night?
Aye that’ll be right
What the hell do you think I am – wacky?

A Cybernat

I had an interesting experience the other day while walking past Dundee’s Caird Hall.  Some dodgy looking character in a red rosette (is there any other kind of character in a red rosette?) offered me a tenner if I’d come in and join the audience.  Well he could hardly say “crowd” could he?  He brushed off my protestations that it was surely only for party members, muttering something that sounded like “need to make the place look fuller.”

There was plenty of choice of seats in the auditorium, but I was ushered into the only packed bit in the place – what looked like an 8×8 grid of people right in front of the stage with a BBC camera pointing at them.  What was really strange was that half of them seemed to be talking in North of England accents.  Oh well, I just assumed that maybe Newcastle United weren’t playing that day and some of their fans were at a bit of a loose end.  I can’t think why else they’d bus them in.

Anyway, there was a comedy turn on the stage, some wee Weegie wifie.  She was a scream.  Her routine about the Scottish Government not giving steel contracts to Scottish companies had me guffawing.  Everyone knows that our steel manufacturing capabilities were shut down by the Tories while the Feeble 50 stood idly by hardly uttering a word of protest.  Sheer genius.  Then she did an impersonation of someone in a parallel universe claiming that, because of all the economic uncertainty, if Scotland were independent today we would be trying to form a union with our neighbours like the one we have now.  This would involve us giving them all our resources and getting some pocket money back.  You know – just like the Irish are doing.  I’m telling you, this lassie is heading for the top.

What was weird though was her catchphrase.  I know all comedians have one, but “ah lick salmon”???  I’m partial to the stuff myself, especially done cajun style, but I tend to chew it in bite-size chunks.  She kept repeating this at regular intervals and the strange thing was that the masses people that were there would practically spit bile every time she came out with it rather than doubling up with laughter like you’d expect.  It eventually dawned on me that she was of course referring to our First Minister rather than some wacky dietary requirement.  However, she really needs to be careful not to base her act around the one source of material.  It maybe worked for Stan Boardman with his “the Germans bombed our chippy” and “these fokkers were in Messerschmitts” routine, but today’s audiences are somewhat more sophisticated.

Naturally I joined in the rapturous applause with great gusto.  It’s always an experience to witness the seeds of greatness with your own eyes, and in a suitable finale we got to close the conference with an emotional rendering of that great socialist anthem The Red Flag:

Our faces all were deepest red,
The voters all from Labour fled,
It really was a feat indeed,
The way we blew a 10-point lead.

We fought a negative campaign.
And now we’re doing the same again,
Though we got thrown out on our ear,
We think this is our fiefdom here.

We truly haven’t learned at all,
Although the writing’s on the wall,
It’s party first, that’s all we care,
We couldn’t get a job elsewhere.

The people may have standards high,
But on expenses forms we’ll lie,
The voters all can go get stuffed,
We want our snouts kept in the trough.

A Cybernat

Well that was an interesting week.  It started off in ideal fashion for the MSM as they finally found a big business refusing to invest in Scotland owing to the uncertainties caused by the referendum.  Pity the boss of Scottish & Southern didn’t quite put it like that though:

“Making investment decisions is about striking the right balance between risk and reward.  The additional risk of regulatory and legislative change does not mean that SSE will not invest in projects in Scotland while its future is being determined.  The development of SSE’s existing projects in Scotland will continue as planned.  It does mean, however, that the additional uncertainty represents increased risk, of which SSE will have no alternative but to take account in making final investment decisions on those projects while that additional uncertainty remains.”

Not exactly what they’d like us to believe but still, I suppose it’s near enough and the poor dears have been waiting a long time for it.  It’s just a pity that Scottish Power then spoiled things a bit by announcing a £5 billion investment to create 300 new jobs in Cumbernauld.

Never mind, there’s always the Lockerbie disaster to be dredged over with the fervent hope that there’ll finally be a smoking gun that links the SNP to the release of Megrahi for anything other than compassionate grounds.  Well they haven’t found it yet, maybe because there’s none there.  Doesn’t seem to stop them from trying though.  It’s strange the way the MSM continually go after the SNP on this when there’s all the openly dodgy behavour of the unionist parties that’s just crying out for investigation.  It’s getting a bit boring now, chaps.

Next up was the revelation that 3 opposition MSP’s were backing something called Devo Plus, although somewhat bizarrely this backing didn’t appear to extend to having it on the referendum ballot paper.  Apparently this system will be one in which “the Scottish Parliament, as far as possible, raises the money that it spends.”  I’ve heard of a similar system – “independence” I think they called it.

It goes on: “Scotland cannot fulfil its potential while it is dependent on Westminster to raise taxes for it.”  Now we’re getting somewhere.

The Scottish Government ”would also receive a geographical share of oil revenues – tax receipts from oil and gas in Scottish territorial waters.”  That’s a beauty.  Let us know how you get on when you present that to Westmister will you?

I was disappointed to see that they’d already bagged the devoplus.com domain name.  I could’ve had some real fun with that. 

Meanwhile in other news Eric Joyce continued to exhibit all the symptoms of someone going through a mid-life crisis as he added chasing younger chicks to his desire to beat up younger men.  The former character trait even managed to provide us with a rare sighting of the lesser-spotted Johann as she was finally provided with a prepared script to read out about it.  The Daylate Rectum obviously see something that the rest of us miss as she seemingly then went on to have Alex Salmond “on the ropes” at First Minister’s questions with her stinging shafts of wit.  Mind you this is the same lot that hyped up Iain Gray as “a man of vision and integrity” some time last May only to declare that “Labour fought the wrong campaign with the wrong leader” a couple of days later.

Talking of Andrex substitutes, the following headline in The Scotsman didn’t so much take the biscuit as snatch the whole pack of digestives before tucking into the custard creams:

Salmond Knew About Rangers’ Administration Threat

A certain David Maddox was the guilty party here.  Here’s some news for you, David – EVERYONE AND HIS DOG knew about Rangers’ administration threat.  It didn’t take a genius to work out that that would be the inevitable outcome.  Still, the insinuation was clear – “see thae separatist essennpee bastirts – pyoor pit ra Gers oot o’ business so they did, the feenyin bastirts that they urrrr.  Bet it stands fir Sellick, Nae Proddies.”  Actually reading the article of course reveals that “HMRC did not take or seek advice from ministers on how to handle matters which were entirely within HMRC’s responsibility.”  Nor should they.

Whoever would’ve thought it’d come to this anyway?  A once impregnable, unassailable fortress of unionism in Glasgow now lying bloody and tattered, riven with in-fighting and nothing to look forward to before being finally put out of its misery in May.  These sure aren’t happy times for the ruling Labour group on GCC.

A Cybernat